Sorry I have to grapple for attention.

We have long time friends here in the US and the family has two daughters who both have married and each has two boys.

One couple, Amy and Mike run a business, where Catherine, sister to Amy, was employed. Her husband Chuck worked somewhere else.

Well, today, I came home from Germany and my husband told me about a fatal shooting in Hickory and asked whether the company could be Amy and Mike's. A black guy has shot his wife and after a tv worthy hunt got shot in the foot and killed himself.

My first thought was Catherine and I was about to call the family whether they are ok, when my daughter called crying that Catherine had been shot and we should detour to our friend's family.

The story: she wants to divorce, he beats her, he gets a restraining order, he beats her, goes to jail, is on crack cocaine, threatens to kill her, to kill her brother in law... she doesn't know what to do... still loves him but his violent attacks get worse... then there a phases where is a good father...

Friday, after one night on drugs he snaps. He drives to his step mother, kidnaps her, they drive to Mike's house (most likely to kill his son and brother in law) and then to the company where he shoots his wife. Then he rolls over her with their own car, the kidnapped step mother manages to run. He steals a Mercedes SL and drives around in Hickory, police after him, he goes back to the company where detectives are already present, he looks for his brother in law (why we actually don't know) and gets shot.

The brother in law is not at the scene because he is with her in the hospital where she dies, actually she was brain-dead before.

I spent a couple of hours with the family and there is the question what was the purpose. I am afraid that there is none.

Anything that could have been done? I don't know. I only know that a mother's life was wasted, two children growing up with a father who shot their mother. What to say to the grieving mother and father? The sister? I am at a loss...

Thats awful Mizzie, words fail me too.

Mizzie, how unimaginably awful.
The remains of the two familes scarred for life, not to mention their own parents and friends.
What will the future be like for the kids?

And as you say, WHY?
Maybe just the ever-present bad mixture of immaturity or other personal problems with the availability of drugs and weapons.

So sorry for them all.

That's terrible and my sympathy is with you. My oldest friend was in a very abusive relationship for many, many years and went through a cycle of attempting to leave, being coaxed back to the husband, trying to leave and going back. He wouldn't let her go anywhere or see friends without him being present - it was so bad that I lost contact with her for about 4 years. For instance, she was actually going to go to Donnie's last gig at Stirling Castle in 1997 with me but she called me that morning to say that she couldn't go and I later found out that he had told her that if she went then he wouldn't let her back in the house or near their daughter. At that time their daughter was 3.

She eventually left her husband because she was scared that the impact of the relationship would have a damaging effect on her daughter, she couldn't take any more and arranged to go to a women's refuge in 2001. By this time I had heard on the grapevine from members of her family that they were desperately worried about her. I sent her a postcard with my new address at the time praying that she might attempt to contact me and thankfully she got to the letterbox before the husband did and she called me from the women's refuge. I was thrilled that she was at last safe. But that wasn't the end of it. She had to get interdicts out against him, he physically attacked her with a stanley knife at the flat she moved into and intimidated their daughter into saying on tape that she didn't want to live with her Mummy. My pal is now doing great and her daughter is a lovely 13 year old young lady who does well at school, is polite and friendly but is no-one's fool and is a little too cynical for her age which is not surprising considering.

The problem is that abusers are extremely skilled at manipulation and often appear to be decent people to outsiders. Now I know the full horror of what actually happened on the board - most of it too bad to detail here - there was no way that someone else could've known he was that evil. There's no easy answer. I think abused partners - and it's important to remember that men get abused in relationships too - stay in hope that the guilty partner will revert back to being the person they fell in love with.

Mizzie, I felt so sad reading this. I can't imagine what all those close must be going through.

Mizzie, I was so sad to read your tragic news, how terrible for everyone,
At times like this it is so hard to know what to say, the most important thing as a friend, is to let them know you are there for them, I,m sure you will be and actions speak louder than words.

your in my thoughts, Kate.

Mizzie, sometimes there is nothing to say.
Sometimes it's enough for you to listen to what they have to say, to help them get it out and go on.

That is awfull Mizzie, I'm sorry to hear of this.

What is the world coming to

My thoughts to abusers:

they come in many colours. One abuses only verbally, one blackmails, the other abuses physically. Even substance abusers fall under this category, only that they are abusing themselves.

The devilish intrument they use is manipulation. They are masters in manipulating their audience and victims. They all can be charming, brilliant, and even be helpful. People are willing to forgive and forgive and forgive. The abuser, however, is just waiting for the next good chance. He will plead and promise, but he will not change.

The only protection we have is to identify the abuser. Dare to judge him by his failures and not by the goodies he uses to veil his true nature.

How true these words are Mizzie.

Mizzie, I was so sorry to read this and very sad to hear that such an awful thing happened. Unfortunately this type of thing is becoming more and more common.

Agree with your thoughts, Mizzie. In general terms too, not just in this case.

Unfortunately, in the domestic violence situation anyway, those who need to be recognising and naming their persecutors are those with the least strength and objectivity. That's why it's important for friends and families to help them (force them?) to get away to support groups etc.

I think she knew what to do. She was just too weak to do it. This one is so far over the edge only someone in total denial could not see it coming. There are plenty of people that stay in terrible relationships for the wrong reasons, aren't there? Eventually, usually much too late, things like this happen or they do get out of the relationship after wasting the best years of their lives in unhappiness.

Shot wounded, or shot dead?

Sure you do.

Mizzie,

I am so sorry! I have been "away" for a few days. I just really wanted to say how sorry I am.

When I was in my 40's i joined a messageboard on IVillage for people who were seperated but still married. I eventually became the Mod for that board, as my divorce took four years to complete. Through that board, and the current "@nd Marriage" board I am on, I have heard story after story about abuse (both men and women). When I read your post the words that she "still loved him", tells the whole story. If the children can get loads of help in understanding the differences between healthy and unhealthy "love", they can eventually gain some healthy control over their own lives.

Pamela